Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.