Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera