The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.