I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
how to have an accident 101
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
When someone says you are so lazy
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it