We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
i actually laughed 😩
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane