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Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then