Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
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Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…