If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
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I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?