How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.