Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Me in tagged photos
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going