If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.