Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
You Might Also Like
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
What flavor cupcake are these
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”