bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
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[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite