I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms