My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.