My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*