what the hell pray for carter everyone
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Tony Hawk, age 6
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Selfie
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.