When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.