6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
馃槼
You Might Also Like
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
SON: mommy I鈥檓 scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he鈥檚 not real?
ME: oh he鈥檚 very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter鈥檚 dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My hot friend: I鈥檝e been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don鈥檛 you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I hate when my kids and I can鈥檛 agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I鈥檓 not making it.
As far as I鈥檓 concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i鈥檓 trying real hard not to laugh
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”