the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Miscakes
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.