I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
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They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Bless you
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!