These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
do what now??
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Incredible customer service.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away