Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
A short story about romance.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there