Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”