Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and