Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Breaking news:
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now