Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff