me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”