My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion