Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
NASA has no chill
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.