Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
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I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead