ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
mechanics be like
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Holy moly
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.