i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
inside you are two wolves
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.