God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
me after eating Cheetos
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?