An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
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50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I found your tweet-up…
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
it be like that
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….