No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
A man of commitment.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated