First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
You Might Also Like
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
bout dat hot dog summer
Breaking news:
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”