Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Taking phone security to the next level.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.