Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
You Might Also Like
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
my fav colour is also hitler
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.