🙅🏻
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away