I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
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[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]