My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
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*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Breaking news:
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?