My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
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If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
me irl
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.