In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”