My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
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Nothing to do, you say?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.