I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible