My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…