Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
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Bike is short for Bichael.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
accurate
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.