Favourite diary entry ever
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ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Rooting for the overdog
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.