Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
You Might Also Like
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes